Dating lois lane short story


04-Oct-2019 21:30

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Superman mulls, went on too long, this story was far too short: Clark "retires" his secret identity at the start of it to protect his loved ones, but he'll be putting the glasses back on literally the first issue Lois has a chance to tell him "No, come on, stop being stupid." The real problem with this story, though, is the villain who learns that identity: Kenny Braverman, AKA Conduit, whose childhood bouts of poor health and adult super-powers both came from Kryptonite, and whose demanding father wished Clark were his son instead.

That's not a bad idea for a bad guy, but Braverman is an unstable mass of unbelievable emotions with an even more unbelievable backstory — something about being a "rival organization" to the CIA.

Kevin Spacey makes a passable Gene Hackman-esque Luthor, but campy stories about destroying the Western seaboard to make a killing in real estate don't really mix with portentous, Superman-as-Jesus-Christ action sequences. Finally, someone figured out what everyone hates about other Superman stories: all those super-powers he keeps using instead of giant guns.

In the distant future, Superman's presence forced the nations of the world into an accelerating arms race, which led to a nuclear holocaust, so now unfiltered sunlight is somewhat scarce, and though Superman's powers have kept him alive and healthy for over a hundred years, he barely has enough juice to punch one android through the chest before he has to start leaning on futuristic firearms.

Blue was reason and Red was emotion, but they were both such jerks that Lois ended up kicking them out of the house until they could reunite somehow, and that was when the super-stalkers of two worlds showed up to fight over both.

What could have been a goofy, charming story (like the short "imaginary story" from which it takes its name) was soured by generic giant monsters and these addled Supermen acting like bad Spock and Kirk role-players, neither one of them considering why Lois might not be cool with becoming a bigamist.

There sure are a lot of people in Superman's life with the initials "LL!

That probably sounds just dumb enough to be awesome, but given how out of character Superman is throughout this adventure, it is in fact just dumb enough to be really, really awful.But none of those stories, not even "Superman's Pal" (which Bruce Timm called a personal worst), were quite so bad as this exercise in privilege.Jimmy, interviewing a senile old millionaire cat lady, nearly kills one of her pets and yet still somehow ends up being rewarded with a million dollars.He flipflops between normal behavior and homicidal rage so quickly, it's hard to believe anyone would trust him to get the coffee, let alone assassinate foreign nationals quietly.

He is also ridiculously unsuccessful at killing Superman's loved ones, because the plot requires Superman to Then Conduit absorbs a crapton of electricity so that he can kill Superman, but accidentally kills himself instead. Let's put it this way: Planet Apokolips has a high-ranking minister named "De Saad" whose only talent is being good at torture.

If you saw it for free, you'd still want your money back. JMS's Superman is sometimes an obnoxious, pranking jerk, sometimes a wildly ineffective, impractical problem-solver, and most often, a pretentious bloviator, the kind of person who says "I don't have all the answers" and then tells you what all the answers are.